Merry Christmas!

In honour of Christmas I’d thought I’d post this. It’s something I wrote a few years back and submitted to a satirical website. It’s a gentle mocking of people’s complaints against the so-called ‘War on Christmas’.


“True Meaning Of Christmas Forgotten” Complain Pagans

Pagans have come out in force to complain at what they see as the hi-jacking of their festive period by “New-age, monotheist bandwagon jumpers.”

“The 25th of December is our special day,” complained one druid. “Due to the reversal of the sun’s ebbing presence in the sky we associated it with birth and re-birth. Consequently it became the birthday of every sun god since the ancient Babylonian god Nimrod. But now these new-fangled Christians claim their Jesus just happened to be born on the same day? Give me a break.”

An ardent Nimrod follower explained further, “Look, after Nimrod had slept with his mother he died. Subsequently he returned on his birthday each year to place gifts under an evergreen tree. Sound familiar? And this was thousands of years before Jesus was even a glint in that randy Yahweh’s eyes.”

A follower of Odin then added, “And their own God even condemned those who ‘cutteth a tree out of the forest…deck it with silver and gold’ in their own sacred book! Anyway, the fact that the pole, balls and tinsel represent a phallus, the testes and semen was our way of representing various aspects of male fertility. But when was the last time you read that in a Christmas card? And wreaths? We fashioned them into circles to represent female fertility. I bet these Christians displaying wreaths don’t even realise that they’ve essentially nailed a vagina to their door.”

“It’s even stole the name from us,” complained another pagan. “The ‘mass’ in Christmas was our word for customs and rites during worship. Can’t they come up with anything original?”

“When was the last time you heard someone say ‘Happy Saturnlia’?” bemoaned one Roman revivalist before a Norse God follower decried the “blatant theft of our Yule log custom honouring Thor,” before adding, “And now they claim the twelve days the log burned for was something to do with this Christmas? And our goddess Hertha appears in fireplaces to bring good luck and coincidentally they’ve got this Santa fella coming down chimneys bringing presents? Have they no shame?”

One Saturnalia celebrator added, “And next time your Nan asks for a kiss under the mistletoe, remember she’s doing that to promote sexual licentiousness in honour of Saturn.”


Merry Christmas all. I hope you have a wonderful festive period.


About lanceleuven

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